Thank you Me!

I just opened my desk drawer on a Monday mroning and found a chocolate and caramel bar I left there from a craving last week and I thought...Oh! I love myself! Thank you, me!

I should treat myself more often :)

On a more serious note, I've been working my way through St. Teresa of Avila's Interior Castles. Almost every paragraph is profound enough to make me want to reread it again right then, and the underlining has gotten a bit out of control. The idea of an interior spiritual castle with countless different rooms and God at the center...it's intriguing. Even in the 1500's when it was written, she writes how there is so much focus on the exterior, that most people never take the time to quiet their mind and enter their own interior dwelling place to meditate and pray their way to God. How much more true could that be today? With a total focus on the exterior and no lasting substance. Divine justice is that one day, every one will grow old. Death comes to us all, and at the end, if you haven't cultivated your character and filled your life with people who truly know and love you, the end will be lonely and dark.

"There is no point in our fatiguing ourselves by attempting to comprehend the beauty of this castle; for, though it is His creature...the very fact that His Majesty says it is made in His image means that we can hardly form any conception of the soul's great dignity and beauty"

Meditation and Meat

I've been thinking of becoming a vegetarian. There. I said it.

It's surprising how adamant meat eaters can be against this. There are strong opinions on why you have to eat meat: protein, balance, you're Irish and Italian what exactly are you going to eat?!? And just as many reasons as why not to: something has to die for you to live, the horrific mass meat market, injected hormones and antibiotics, could you kill the animal yourself if you had to...I have my reasons for considering a vegetarian lifestyle like anyone else. I'm giving it a trial run. My fiance caught me looking at a vegetarian website. You should have seen his face. He's supportive as long as he's still allowed to grill steaks. I said OK, as long as they are grass fed happy cows from the local farm :)

Speaking of food, I've joined the woman masses and am reading Eat Pray Love. I'm halfway through the Pray part. I'm thinking the Eat section may end up my favorite. It was hard to transition from the abundance of sun and food and joy experienced by the author in Italy, to the quiet and austere Ashram in India. The descriptions of Italian food made my mouth water, and long even more for my honeymoon in Rome that begins in 40 days. How religiously appropriate. I don't even care if I gain weight. I am going to eat without guilt. Food freedom. What's that like?!? I'm hoping all the sightseeing tours and sex will help balance the caloric intake.

What I like about the Pray part of the book so far is her experimenting with meditation. Meditation comes easy to no one, but I think if you persist, the grace will come. So, I looked up Catholic meditation. Tons of saints meditated. I may never have locutions or visions or ecstasies, but I'll take a little peace of mind any day.

Catholic meditation has 4 parts:
1. Place yourself in God's presence.
You can do this literally in a church or the Blessed Sacrament, or anywhere because God is everywhere, especially in the silence of our hearts.
2. Ask for God's help.
God never tires of helping us, and we need His blessing in all that we do, so take a moment to ask Him to help you in your meditation.
3. Actual meditation.
In most Indian mediation practices, you're told to quiet and empty the mind completely, in Catholic mediation, we're told to focus on a phrase or image. A phrase from the gospels, an image from the mysteries of the Rosary or the Way of the Cross. Take time to imagine the scene and then yourself in it. I'm thinking I'd like to combine the 2 a little and imagine a scene and then perhaps quietly chant a verse about this scene from the gospels. Just a thought.
4. Give thanks.
End all prayer and worship by giving thanks to God for His presence and help.

So, I haven't eaten meat in 2 weeks and I'm going to give meditation a try either tonight or tomorrow during my adoration hour with the Blessed Sacrament. What an earth cookie I'm becoming, as my mom would say, but I'm just striving after more peace in my mind, body and heart. If I can just stop cussing at the idiots on the road, I'll take that as a sure sign I'm gaining peace ground.

I Knew Things Were Going Too Well

My outlook for myself has always been on the glass half empty side of things. For others, I'm always the one that got middle of the night calls from friends who needed to pour their hearts out. They knew I would always pick up, listen, and give them positive advice, especially when it came to them believing in themselves and the good of a God who works all things for their betterment. But I have a hard time applying this to myself. I never lacked a belief in God, as many do, but in myself. I've gotten much better in the last few years, but I couldn't help myself to think that things were going too well 2 weeks ago when my future mother-in-law threw me a surprise bridal shower. I've only been in Florida for a year and a half, but there was a resaurant full of 40 ladies and a table busting with gifts all for me. AND my parents flew down as a further surprise. We had a lovely time and I thought...I have the most wonderful, caring, kind, intelligent, faithful fiance, with an awesome family I love and who love me, great family and friends back home, a big wedding planned, an amazing European honeymoon...and that old voice...things are going too well...

The Bible tells us the rain falls on us all. Just because you are a Christian, doesn't mean bad things won't happen to you. You may be even more attacked by the Enemy, but what we do with the suffering that comes to us is what sets us apart. We offer it up, and unite ourselves more closely to our Blessed Lord on the cross.

I had to keep this in mind when I got the call the following Monday morning from my doctor about some test results. I'm still showing signs of weird cervical cells. It could be cancer. I have to see a specialist. The one big monkey wrench in all of my golden plans. Will I be able to make love to my husband? Will I be able to have children? Will I live? And all just a month and a half before my wedding.

And so...I take up this small cross, and I follow.

Adoration

Michael is so beautiful when he prays. His face is so pure and earnest. I love to watch him in adoration of our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.

We were lucky enough last night to have 2 hours in the presence of the Lord in Eucahristic Adoration. My regualr hour is 11-12 on Thursday evenings, but last night the adorable couple, The Bio's, who are usually there from 10-11, the hour before us, were out of town. We were out of town last week, so it was like we got to make our missed hour up.

I love eucharistic adoration. As soon as you enter that cool, dim, hushed presence, kneel down, close your eyes and fold your hands, all my jumbled thoughts and problems seem to quickly fade into a warm inviting pool of God's grace. I always think in those first few moments, this is what it's all about. Not the wedding plans, not my worries about our finances or jobs, but this...this is all that matters. Being with my Lord. Listening to His voice. Lifting up in prayer all those in my life and their needs. I feel a responsibility to pray for all of the people God has placed in my life. So many have no one to say a prayer for them. And the poor souls in purgatory who are on their knees day and night in the fire praying for themsleves to no avail. Their prayers cannot help them now. Only ours can. Every day I say the prayer revealed to Saint Gertrude the Great that is said to release a vast number of souls from purgatory every time it is said with confidence:

Eternal Father, I offer Thee the most Precious Blood of Thy Divine Son, Jesus, in union with the Masses said throughout the world today, for all the holy souls in purgatory, for sinners everywhere, for sinners in the Universal Church, those in my own home and within my family. Amen.

Today is the First Friday of the month. On our lunch break, we will go to the church. The Blessed Sacrament will be exposed on the altar. It is riveting to be face to face with the Lord of Hosts.

And then the weekend! We have some lovely plans and I hope to get a little sun. It's been too hot to be outside at all and I'm feeling sunshine deficient.

No Turning Back

It's official. The wedding invites went in the mail today. There's no turning back now. Luckily, I can't wait. I just have to get through entertaining over 100 ladies at my bridal shower next weekend. I'm loud enough. It shouldn't be a problem. I just hope I don't get nervous and start word vomiting crazy things all over them. That is a definite possibility. I should be sedated...

Journal Entry-Vocation

In confession on Saturday, Father Ligouri said all of my sins come from self-love and pride. He is right. It's so easy to narrowly focus on our own little poorly created worlds. He said I must think of others, always of others, because that is what Jesus did. I have to find ways every day to do kindnesses to others. Humility does not come without the pain of suffering pride. I prayed for the Lord to show me how to be more selfless. I confess I do not know where to begin. I am a selfish girl, diluted with the desire for grandeur in my own life, surely destined for great things. The only thing that makes me special is the love of God. Being His beloved daughter makes me special. I am a menial vessel in His wise hands.

I will be 28 in just a few short weeks, and made a wife a few weeks after that. What I used to think were heavy shackles, being a housewife and mother, now would set me free. Free from the wrong view of the world and my own selfishness. The vocation of marriage and motherhood will be the place I have longed to pour myself into and yet be filled. What a blessing it would be to mine and Michael's parents to bring their grandchildren into this world. They will be magnificent grandparents.

Marriage is a Sacrament, a vocation, and a path to sanctity. I know I am meant to marry Michael. Perhaps in this, my vocation, will I be given the opportunity to die to myself every day and find my way back to redemtion through the grace of God.